I find myself thinking a lot about death today after reading about the death of Aaron Schwartz which for many reasons has affected me greatly. I have read most of what has been written over the last 24 hours about his decision to end his life and I hope the Internet someday lives up to his expectations. It seems that despite his difficulties he pushed on as long as he could, worked hard, cared about others and held himself to high expectations.
Often I struggle over the effort of living, the challenges of intelligence and thoughtfulness accumulated over a lifetime of brilliance, mistakes and regrets. I am sure that for some it is effortless, for others its a process and a path that from their view leads to a glorious afterlife. Its difficult to embrace the finality of death, to accept that all we know indicates this life is all that we have and all we will experience.
A few years ago I went with my brother to a convalescence hospital to visit my mother who was dying. I was in some ways close to my mother, in other ways close to my brother but in most ways we all struggled with the past and our difficult upbringing. Her years of alcohol, cigarettes, rough upbringing and financial struggles had taken its toll and emphysema was killing her.
We sat in the hospital room as she struggled to breath, occasionally talked and at one point indicated that she was scared. I did not know how to comfort her and was unable to respond other than to sit in the room with her. I spent the night with her listening, watching and waiting. Early the next morning we decided to go get some breakfast and while we were gone they called and said she had died.
She died alone, her last hours were difficult, painful and I failed to provide her with any comfort. I did not understand compassion as I do now. I was consumed with my own confusion and lack of understanding. So much of what matters was damaged between us and in the way. I will never see her, talk to her or bring her any comfort. Those last moments and opportunities are gone for both of us, the painful memory will always be here.
